Parenting
Parenting might be one of the hardest jobs out there, and yet it’s one of the most important. We are given a blueprint from our own parents, our family lineages, and our culture, but it oftentimes is not the healthiest, nor do we even know what a healthy parenting blueprint even looks like. A lot of times we know what we don’t want to do as parents, but not necessarily what we do want to do. And yet we have these little being(s) that we love so much, and we so want to be healthy parents! A client once told me after having their first kiddo, “No one told me that there was this secret compartment in my heart that would get unlocked after having a child.” So true, and so well said.
What makes parenting even trickier, is that it’s constantly changing and evolving. You finally get one chapter figured out, and they’re growing and on to the next. It’s like a moving target. With each phase comes grief, as they grow and change, we grieve what was and step into the new with them. Tied into that grief is any trauma we ourselves had when we were their age that can be brought up during that time.
On top of that, our kids are a direct mirror for how we treat ourselves: how we relate to our own emotions, our own wounding, how we judge ourselves or forgive ourselves, how present we are to ourselves and our own needs, how we handle conflict and how we repair. There is just so much that gets stirred up with parenting! It really is the hardest role, and yet can also provide so much opportunity for clarity and healing.
Parenting is a balance between honoring the being and paying attention to the behavior: attention to both person and behavior are needed. We have to learn to validate the person, to help them feel seen, that their emotions are OK, while also then providing a container for their behavior that provides safety for them (having laid out expectations and then following through with consequences). Knowing what to expect and consistency help the child feel safe, even if they don’t necessarily like the “rules”, it helps them feel safe.
One of children’s jobs is to test how strong love is…which is quite profound when you think about it. The best place to start with that when we’re triggered by their testing is to love ourselves. Most of us haven’t learned how to do that, the model we’ve been taught is to seek love and validation from others, not ourselves.
This is all an opportunity to start to re-parent ourselves in the process. It’s an opportunity to be kinder to our own emotions, more forgiving of ourselves, which in turn will make us kinder to our little ones (and everyone else for that matter). It’s an opportunity to work on our communication and learn how to handle our anger in healthier ways (walking away, taking a deep breath, using our support systems, practicing surrender and letting go, etc). It’s an opportunity to be OK with our sadness, fear, anger, and grief, and modeling that to our children. It’s an opportunity to give ourselves the validation and empathy that we most likely didn’t get when we were young but so very much craved. In doing so, we can then be softer and more open to give that to our children, no matter how old they are, and also model to them how to give it to themselves.
If you’re wanting some help with re-parenting yourself and breaking some cycles, feel free to call for a free consultation or a session.