Self confidence
Lack of confidence can happen due to a number of experiences. It may be that one’s parents never knew how to believe and love themselves, and so therefore never knew how to validate their children. This issue can happen generationally: several generations in a family may experience lack of self confidence. This can look like someone feeling self conscious or on the other end of the spectrum (acting like they have it all together and judging others when really they are judging themselves). Apart from family experiences, it also could be that the individual has had a number of experiences where they felt ostracized by others.
Normally, the common theme among those who struggle with this issue is having wounds during the developmental stage of “Am I OK?” from ages 18 months to 3 years. Trauma at this age, again, can be due to a number of factors. Typically, the infliction isn’t conscious by those inflicting it. Wounds and trauma are quite subjective: what one person experiences as traumatic, another person may not. Usually we don’t even recall what the wound(s) during these ages may have been. To add to all of this, the culture in the U.S. is a fairly judgmental one, so naturally growing up in this culture can impact having self confidence wounds. The U.S has a culture of needing to accomplish things, that is how we typically define ourselves as worthy human beings and feel good about ourselves, instead of separating the two categories (separating who I am as a person from what I do and my behavior). Therefore, the self judge is quite prevalent among us because of how we are unconsciously taught to feel good about ourselves.
For whatever the reasons, lack of self confidence can effect our lives and ourselves in many ways. It can effect our relationships: looking to others to feel good about ourselves and so probably feeling constantly like we’re not good enough because that is an impossible job and a set up for everyone. It can effect our careers, jobs or education: the thoughts we have about ourselves effect our performance and so therefore, we create a cycle where we think we can’t do it or that we’re not good enough and then we don’t do well or fail, and that brings us right back to where we started, proving that we indeed, aren’t good enough. Lack of self confidence, or a strong self judge, can keep us from obtaining the goals that we desire and long for. It can keep us stuck in relationships and jobs that do not make us happy.
The good news, is that we can learn to relate to ourselves differently. Just like we learned how to relate to ourselves in this judgmental way, we can learn to relate to ourselves in a more loving way. As we start this process, it is quite normal for that self judge to get a lot louder: “WAIT A MINUTE, YOU NEED ME! I KEEP YOU SAFE! YOU CAN’T DO THAT, YOU’LL FAIL!” Oftentimes the self judge was there in the first place to keep us safe, or to avoid ridicule. The judge typically has had a purpose. Now, that time has passed, and this way of coping no longer serves us and is causing us more harm than good. As we persist on to change our mental tapes from judgmental ones to loving ones, the judge will begin to quiet down and we will notice our outward lives reflecting the difference inside of us. We will attract more loving relationships. We will begin to either find more job satisfaction, or choose to find a different job and not get paralyzed with fear like we may have in the past. We will do better in school now that we are not fighting ourselves, reducing the stress that we once unconsciously added to our plates.
There are many different ways to change those mental tapes and to raise our self confidence. Notice the ways you judge yourself now and try coming up with a new positive mantra for yourself. Try listing all the things that you’re proud of, or all the things you like about yourself. Read books on the topic, see how others have dealt with it. Watch empowering movies. Try finding the humor in your life, and learn to laugh at yourself, to take yourself more lightly. Make friends with your self judge: see how it’s helped you in the past. Try validating however it is that you are feeling, accepting yourself as you are. Notice when your thoughts are turning against you and just label them as thoughts: they are not facts. Talk to others about it, see how they have dealt with it.
If this is something you or a loved one are struggling with, professional help can be extremely helpful in combating that sometimes very loud and persistent self judge. Please do not hesitate to call Jen for a free 30 minute consultation today (720) 442-4799. You are that much closer to feeling more freedom in yourself and in your life.